Monday, May 24, 2010


Hannah had a rash this passed week so we took her to the doc to see if everything was ok. All her tests and cultures came back fine. They thought maybe the area was just irritated. They told us to put diaper ointment on it to calm it down. That's something I haven't had to do in a while.

Had my D&C check up today. I wasn't really nervous because nothing felt wrong.. I just didn't want him to say that we had to wait three months or so to try again! we got some good news, tho! everything looked really good and my numbers were down so he said we could start trying again when we felt ready.. we got the go ahead! w00t w00t! as a friend of mine would say.

Today is Monday so that means Wes works a full 24 hour shift today which really stinks. the guy he's working for called him yesterday to let him know that he might not be needed, so we made plans to go out to dinner if he doesn't have to work.

We had a great day yesterday as well.. After church Hannah had a swimming play date with a family friend, Ella.  I didn't take a whole lot of pictures because I was too busy having fun, but this was my favorite picture of the day

Big girl Ella and scaredy cat Hannah sticking safely to the float!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Jesus Loves Me

I don't have anything in particular to talk about this morning just thought I might catch y'all up on some thoughts I was having. 

God has already spoken volumes to me this morning! How UH-MAZING is He!?!?  Wes and I had talked yesterday about going to visit my dad's parents. Reason #1 - I needed to go to Troy to buy a very special baby shower gift for a friend. Reason #2 - Wes wanted to take the kayaks and go for a ride! Reason #3 - my dad wanted us to come down and see the new house! how many reasons does He need to give me to go to South Montgomery County? I just need to stop being so stubborn and be obedient to my Father. I don't really want to go, but if I can't follow this small request, I will have hardened my heart, and maybe next time I won't be as opened to hear His plans for me. (Sorry if none of that makes sense -- apparently I don't know how to clearly explain myself)

Apparently, He thinks I'm getting a little too big for my panties! My, how I'm humbled. Since the miscarriage I've gotten tons of emails. I've received email after email saying " You'll get through this, you're strong/ a strong Christian family". This gave me hope because I knew I could get through it. As horrible as this sounds, I've already gotten over it! I've accepted it, and I own it! He convicted me this morning. Do you remember the story of Whitney Cerak? She and some friends were coming home from either a Bible Camp or a mission trip when their bus was hit by an 18-wheeler. She and her friend, Laura Van Ryn, were seriously injured. One fatally, one critically. Anyways, to make a long story short it was a case of mistaken identity. Remember? Their families were on the Today Show this morning updating everyone on their progress. Matt Lauer asked them about their faith (can't remember the exact question - I think it was something like -- were you ever angry with or question God?) One of the dads said "we are not strong, we are weak, He is strong."  God started to speak to me in that moment and moved me to tears. I started to think about Hannah's favorite Sunday school song - Jesus Loves Me. Here are the lyrics

Jesus Loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little Ones to Him Belong
We are weak, but He is strong!

That's not all the lyrics, but those are the ones that everyone knows.  I never really thought about the meaning of the lyrics until this point. How could I avoid it? It was SCREAMING at me! I am weak, I am a sinner, I've gone astray, I'm the prodigal son! He is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. He and His Word are perfect! He is strong, because without Him nothing is possible. There are several verses which state that. 

  • Luke 1:37 -  For nothing is impossible with God
  • Philippians 4:13 For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength
  • John 15:5 “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing
  • John 15:16 You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name.
There are SEVERAL more throughout the entire Bible, but these are the only ones I remember specifically enough to post. I wanted to share one from Matthew, but now I can't seem to find it.. I guess it's not where I thought it was.
Tomorrow, Thursday and Monday are going to be busy days for us because we have dentist appt's and Monday I have to go back to my OB for my check up. In this check up we will find out the sex of our angel, find out "what went wrong" and where to go from here and how long we have to wait to start trying again. It's pretty amazing to me that they can find out EXACTLY what went wrong. We did not elect to undergo genetic testing because this is just my first miscarriage. If it had been my third of fourth, then I know my doctor would deem it almost mandatory. There is a girl on YouTube that I've discovered who went through three miscarriages and she had one of them tested to see what was wrong with it. They found there was something wrong with the baby's 22 chromosome. They also found that her progesterone levels weren't strong enough to sustain a baby after 6 weeks. Which also happened to a friend of mine. My friend is now pregnant with a sweet baby boy and is due in September! This girl now has a beautiful baby boy and he's GORGEOUS! i stayed up til about 3 this morning watching her videos. So intriguing. 

Can't wait to start trying for another! SOooo excited!!

Monday, May 10, 2010

1 Thessalonians 4:11-12

The title of my blog for today doesn't have anything to do with the subject, but my minister used this is his sermon this passed week and it sang to me :)

Since we were given the news about our miscarriage, I've been pretty shaky. One minute I'm up, and one minute I'm down. But that's typical. A lot has also happened since then.
We found out Monday
Tuesday we spent the day at the house by ourselves while Little Miss Hannah spent the day at her great grandparents
Wednesday we visited with them and went fishing
Thursday was my D&C
Friday Wes and I went to see Iron Man 2 and a little Mother's Day shopping
Saturday we got our sweet angel back and cooked out with some friends
Sunday Wes went back to work and I spent the day with my Mommy!

My favorite picture from our fishing trip, Wednesday

I was told Thursday that I would not have an appetite after the surgery. Boy were they wrong! Right after I woke up I was ready to eat. Breakfast = bacon egg and cheese along with hashbrowns lunch = fried chicken, sweet potatoes, butter beans, and cornbread from Martins.. I can't remember what I had for dinner that night but I'm sure it was great! Just another affirmation that my God will get me through this!

Friends and family have gotten us through a very difficult time. I've never really done well by myself. I enjoy company so it's really warmed my heart to have everyone offer their condolences and well wishes. My mother, daddy, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law have made more trips down here in the passed week than they have in a year ;)

Everything happens for a reason. That's definitely something I have always believed. Yes, we lost a baby, but what we have gained has been so much more amazing. I've seen God's Hand in my life more this passed week than ever before (either He has, or I'm just looking for it more). I've had friends from JR HIGH SCHOOL email me and share their experiences with me. I might have lost a baby, but I've gained sisterhood.
I'm speechless to know that these women care so much :)

Mother's Day was really difficult for me. Wes had to go back to work and I was supposed to work in the bed babies room during our second service. As much as I love those youngins it wasn't healthy for me to keep them that week. Physically or emotionally. There was a couple sitting adjacent to us with a BRAND NEW BABY and she was cutest thing in the whole sanctuary! Which of course got me crying. Then our music director welcomed everyone and said "I want to wish all the mom's out there a Happy Mother's Day, whether they have lost their mom, or whether they've lost a child" THAT DID IT! I couldn't hold it together any longer. I was crying partly because I was still in mourning for our baby, and partly because my God knows I need Him right now. He knows about me, and loves me, and He's there for me. I can always count of my Daddy to take care of me. I'm in this church for a reason. These people work in this church for a reason. He's using these people to speak to me, and what a GREAT job He is doing, too!

One more thing... May 17, 2010 will be the 1 year anniversary of my baptism! In that year I have gone from being a believer to being a follower (There is a difference). In that year we have stressed our marriage and He has fixed it (and made us better than ever). In that year, He has given us life and has taken it away from us. I can't thank my God enough for the blessings He has bestowed on me.

He knows I want to be a mother more than anything in the world (and if you talk to me long enough I'm sure you'll figure it out too). I have an UH-MAZING husband that loves me unconditionally and a daughter that is the apple of my eye. We might not have conceived Hannah God's way, but we are raising her God's way and I could not be more proud of my sweet, ALREADY God-fearing little girl. Wes has been there for me like none other this week and I owe my sanity partly to him. He is my earthly rock and I don't know where I would be without him. I didn't know exactly how I wanted to explain to Hannah about our loss, but I talked to our pastor and he advised that all we tell her is that God wants us to wait a little longer in order to have another baby in the house and that the baby went to live in Heaven with Jesus. Her Response? She wanted to take an airplane to Heaven to visit with Jesus and the baby. Tell me that's not the cutest thing ever?

My priority lies with my God, husband and child for the moment. My time will come.

Monday, May 3, 2010

The Father of Mercies and God of All Comfort

As some of you know we went last week to our first baby doctor appt! I thought I was supposed to measure 7 weeks but I was only measuring 6. Didn't think anything of it because that kind of thing happens ALL the time. They wanted me to come back today and pretend that the first appt didn't even happen. I kinda felt like something was wrong. Nothing would have prepared me for what my God had in store for me. When the U/S tech examined me she noticed I didn't progress any with my growth. I was still measuring 6 weeks (in my opinion I was supposed to be 8 and according to the docs I should have been 7) Wes, Hannah and I have suffered what is known as a missed miscarriage. 

A missed miscarriage occurs when the fetus dies, however the woman's body continues as if the fetus is still viable.  (This is probably why I started to look pregnant even though I wasn't) The diagnosis of a missed miscarriage is usaully considered after fetal heart tones are not heard or the size of the uterus has not grown.  Then a ultrasound will be performed which will show a fetus that stopped growing several weeks prior to the ultrasound and there will be no fetal heart tones.    
A missed miscarriage will usually have no signs and symptoms initially.  The woman will usuall feel as if the pregnancy is going just fine.    Other women have stated that they have lost some of the signs and symptoms of pregnancy such as breast tenderness, nausea, and / or fatigue (This is what happened in my case.. I just woke up one morning and didn't feel pregnant anymore).  With a missed miscarraige women will not have lower abdominal or pelvic pain
There are several causes for a missed miscarriage and it depends on when during the pregnancy the missed miscarriage occurs.  Due to the fact that most missed  miscarriages occur within the first twelve weeks of gestation the cause is most commonly due to chromosomal abnormalities within the fetus.  These chromosomal abnormalities can be due to several factors including poor quality sperm or egg, abnormal cell division of the fetus, and / or genetic abnormalities of either mother or father. 
There are treatments; however. On Thursday I will be wheeled into Jackson's Surgery center at 6am to undergo a D&C.  A D&C entails a women going into the hospital and having anesthesia while an obstitrician "cleans her out" (I know this is personal information, and I know that some of you might not be able to handle this, but this is what my God is carrying me through) This is done for a missed miscarriage to prevent infections, severe bleeding and other associated complications.  A benefit of this type of treatment is that the products of conception are sent to a pathologist for evaluation and genetic testing can be performed if so desired.

I truly want to thank all of our friends and family members that have supported us and been there for us through good times and now. I don't think I could hold it together if Wes and I had to suffer through this alone. The great thing about a healthy woman suffering a miscarriage is that is almost NEVER happens again. So you better believe that we are gonna get back to work as soon as we get the go ahead from the doctors!

I want to thank my doctor as well for giving me the news last week because if I had to suffer through a miscarriage this week I think they would have to hospitalize me for a mental breakdown or something. The fact that he brought this to our attention last week gave me the opportunity to mourn the loss of our miracle during a nonstressful time. I want to send praises to my God for carrying me through such a difficult time. The most amazing thing is is that He already knew it was going to happen. My daddy is protecting me every minute of every day and I can't begin to fathom the love He has for me. Just because I lost a child doesn't mean I am going to allow my faith to dwindle and to take a child away from Him. 

I always try to end my blog with God's perfect Word relating to my post and I have tons after tons of Scripture that I would love to share with you.

  • 2 Corinthians 5:7 For we live by believing and not by seeing
  • 1 Peter 1:7 These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world
  • Galations 2:20 My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me ( I LOVE LOVE LOVE this scripture, because even though my flesh and blood my fail.. my faith will never fail)
  • Matthew 9:22 Jesus turned around, and when he saw her he said, “Daughter, be encouraged! Your faith has made you well.” And the woman was healed at that moment

Who better to take care of my baby than the God who made him? I send praises to You because You are God and Your plan is PERFECT! I have no room to complain because You gave Your only Son so that I may live. 

Also, I would like everyone to pray for my grandfather, Pop. He had surgery last week to remove what doctor's believe was a benign fatty tumor about the size of an egg from his back. He has to go back to the doctor the same day I go into surgery for the results and to check his healing. Pray God keeps His healing hand on my Pop and his doctors as well. :)